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macca

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Number of posts : 65
Age : 48
Localisation : Manchester
Registration date : 2007-06-27

PostSubject: Jokes   Tue Jul 10, 2007 5:07 pm

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A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some
rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to
the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been
buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like
some more. "I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But, I always buy it here," says the blonde. "Do you have the
container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist. "Yes," said the
blonde, "I'll go home and get it." She returns with the container
and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her,
"This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant". Annoyed,
the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud
from the container.........
"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

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Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter holiday. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"

She says, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up."

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again "Man! My hands are really freezing!"

She says again, "Well put them here between my legs and warm them up."

He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night.

When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!"

She looks at him and says, "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, DON'T YOUR EARS EVER GET COLD?"



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A man is eating in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous blond eating at the next table. He has been checking her out all night, but lacks the nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of her socket towards the man. He reflexively grabs and snatches it out of the air.

"Oh my god, I am sooo sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you."

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invites him back to her place for a drink. They go back to her HOUSE, and after a bit she leads him into the bedroom and begins undressing him.

The couple have wild passionate sex over and over all night. The next morning when he awakens, she is already up and brings him breakfast in bed. The guy is amazed.

"You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies... "You just happened to catch my eye."



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A bus pulls up, and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated converstaion. The lady sitting behind hears one of them say "Emma come first, Den I come. Two asses they come together. I come again. Two asses they come together again, I come again and pee twice. then I come once-a-more....."

The lady interrupts: "You foul mouthed swine, in this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, Itsa alright," replies the man, "Imma just tell my friend how to spell Mississippi"



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A friend of Stevie Wonder buys him a cheese grater for Christmas. A few weeks later the friend asks what he thought of the present. "Man," replies Stevie, "that was the most violent book i ever read!"



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In a mental hospital a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car.

The nurse asks him,"Charlie what are you doing?" And Charlie replies, "Driving to London!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, Well Charlie, how you doing?" Charlie says, "I just got into London" Great," replied the nurse.

The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room and finds Bob sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.

With surprise she asks, "Bob what are you doing!" Bob says... "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in London!"



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An ugly old man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.
"What are you so happy about?" Asks the barman.
"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly old man.
"You know, I live by the railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"
"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky guy. Was she pretty?"


"Dunno...Never found the head."
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